Lost
by Paige Turner Writes
Summary: Olivia battles against her own demons after Alex is shot.
1. Chapter 1

Once they had talked about it, one time in three years of knowing each other, three years of loving each other she asked.

"Have you ever thought about it."

The answer was a quick and emphatic no, said so loudly it started them both. Alex never asked her again. What would she think of her now, gun sitting on the table one round in the chamber taunting her, begging her to pick it up and pull the trigger. She shot up from the couch and looked at her side arm like it was the monster under her bed from childhood, terror in her eyes and a pain unlike anything she had ever known in her heart.

The words resonated in her head, over and over again. She couldn't shake them no matter how hard she tried, every time she turned around there they were.

"I'm sorry. We did everything we could." The messaged played on repeat in her mind but the reality was still evading her. We did everything we could. We did everything we could. We did everything we could. Over and over, and over, pounding like a snare drum in her head.

A vase crashed against the wall in a resounding boom, it didn't even register that she had been the one throwing it as it rained over the wood floors. She could feel her heart pounding in her chest and her breath becoming more chaotic, the room spun and she hit the floor in a flood of tears and a primal scream. Her eyes darted back to the loaded pistol on the table, then to the shattered glass on the floor.

What good was an oath to protect and serve when she couldn't save the one thing that ever meant anything to her, the only thing in her life worth protecting? Her hand shook as she reached out for the weapon, her finger tips just grazed the metal, felt the cool steal, when her hand recoiled as if it were on fire. All the lines were blurred, this morning her world was solid and now she was adrift in a world that had lost its meaning.

She shook with grief, her body wracked by a flood of tears and a pain that hadn't stopped since the moment the earth shifted out from under her feet. Bringing her knees to her chest she fought to catch her breath, she felt the room spinning and worried she may pass out if she couldn't pull it together. As quickly as she calmed herself another wave hit and she felt her stomach turn. Sprinting to the bathroom, there was no fighting it, she was literally sick with her grief.

The sickness subsided and she found herself sitting on the bathroom floor, the white room echoed with her cries, and there is was laying on the floor where she left it. It wasn't like her to just leave things lying about, and it hit her that she must have had the intention of coming back and picking it up later. That was twelve hours ago when later was a given, before the course of their future and the end of their story had been written. She picked up the satin gown and held it to her cheek, the material was soft on her skin and still held her scent. Curled up in a ball on the floor of her bathroom she lay with the light pink fabric desperately hoping that it was all a bad dream.

It was ten a.m. when she woke to the sound of the phone ringing in the next room. She was groggy and sore from her night spent on the cool tile floor. Standing pained her as she made her way to the living room. Seeing the condition of the room it hit her again it wasn't a dream, she felt her stomach contract and her eyes grow hot with tears.

"Benson." She managed as her eyes once again met the gun.

"Olivia, its me."

The voice was familiar, but her brain couldn't connect. Confusion set in followed by anger, was this some sort of sick joke or had she just finally lost it.

"Olivia, its me. I can't say who this is, but you know. Don't say my name, I'm not even supposed to be making this call."

"Wha…you…how…"

"Meet me, our spot, twenty minutes."

"I just…I've lost it."

"Liv, it's me, I know you're confused. It's me."

"How do I know, how is this possible, I was there…the, the blood, there was so much…"

The receiver clicked and the phone went silent.


	2. Chapter 2

Olivia's chest was tight and she was short of breath, nothing about what had just happened made any sense but she desperately needed to see Alex again even if it was all in her head. She ran almost the whole way to the park where she first kissed Alex, round the bend at the rose garden and up the hill to the clearing. There on the bench facing the opposite direction was a woman in a blue baseball cap, blonde ponytail laced through the opening in the back and two men one on either side.

As she made her way to the front of the bench she felt her knees going weak.

"It's you." She said falling apart at the feet of the woman sitting before her, tears gushing down her cheeks, body shaking uncontrollably. Alex ran her hand into Olivia's hair, reassuring her that she was real.

Alex dismissed her guards who only gave them a few feet of privacy. "I'm so sorry Liv, I'm so, so sorry. I was only awake long enough to agree to the protection, I didn't get a chance to tell them to tell you. I called you as soon as I got things sorted out. I'm so sorry."

The mix of feelings Olivia was running thought was tearing her apart inside. She quickly found her feet and sat on the bench beside Alex and looked her up and down, it was her she was real. Her arm was in a sling and she was in clothes she would never wear but it was her. Suddenly Olivia was filled with guilt and rage, as her thoughts returned to her apartment and the events of the night before.

"They told me you were dead. They said you didn't make it, they said they did all they could do. There was so much blood, and there was nothing I could do. I watched you die."

"I'm not dead. I know you did everything right, you saved me."

"I thought you were dead. I…I…" Olivia couldn't think, she couldn't get her head around what was happening. "What now?"

"I need a place to stay, a place where I will be safe, where I can heal while they look for the people who did this. I was hoping that, that place could be with you."

"Of course, of course, but…"

"The DA will have two armed guards posted round the clock, one outside doing surveillance, one at the door. There is no where I will feel safer than with you."

"Ok. Are you ok to walk or…"

"We have a car, just over the hill, it will take us."

When they arrived at Olivia's apartment the Marshalls went in first to do a sweep of the apartment.

"I'm sorry, you can't stay here there has been an intruder." The man said stepping back out into the hallway.

"What…" Olivia said pushing him aside and walking inside.

"You're lucky, they left without your piece." The second Marshall said nodding towards the fire arm on the table.

"It's safe, tell her to get in here, it's safe…no one was in here, I did this." Olivia explained.

Alex walked in to the apartment, it looked as if a bomb had gone off.

"We're good." Alex told the Marshalls who took their place outside the apartment. Olivia was darting around the apartment trying to pick things up, she stopped when she noticed Alex sitting on the sofa staring at the hand gun on the table.

Olivia quickly picked it up and took the round out of the chamber, and replaced the clip. She went and placed it in the drawer where it was kept and returned to the living room. Alex looked at Olivia and cleared her throat.

"How close did you get?" She asked not sure if she could handle the answer. Judging by the shattered glass on the floor and completely destroyed apartment, the answer was too close.

Olivia slowly sat beside her on the couch, she wanted to be sure the words came out right.

"Last night, I watched you die Alex." She paused and took a breath. "I held you, bleeding on the side walk and watched the life fade from your eyes. My clothes are covered in your blood. They told me, you were dead. I, lost…everything. I had nothing before I met you Alex. My life was just survival from day to day with nothing setting one day apart from the next, nothing to look forward to, and nothing to love, and no one to love me. Last night you died, and I lost everything I was living for. So yes, I thought about it. For the first time in my life, I thought about it. I have never felt pain like that; I just wanted it to stop." Olivia said allowing the tears to fall freely. Alex cried right along with her, moved by the woman's love for her and torn apart by the pain she had caused. Olivia wrapped Alex in her arms ran her fingers through her hair, and kissed her softly on the lips.

"You should be resting."

"You're probably right." Alex agreed feeling her shoulder throbbing.

"Go lay down. I'll get your medicine."

Alex obeyed and made her way to the bedroom, the bed was still made, if Olivia had slept at all she didn't slept in their bed. Olivia returned to their room to find Alex struggling trying to change in to her pajamas.

"Let me help you." Olivia said setting the glass of water and pills on the night stand. Alex stopped struggling and allowed Olivia to help her. Olivia crawled over the bed and slowly helped take the sling from around Alex's neck careful not to hurt her in the process. Though she was being gentle Alex couldn't help but wince in pain, it was clear that the hospital drugs had worn off.

"I'm sorry." Olivia said as she removed Alex's shirt.

"Shhh, it's ok. It's ok. I know you didn't mean to." The pain Alex was feeling physically was nothing compared to what she was feeling emotionally. She knew she had caused Olivia the worst kind of pain she could. It was a kind of pain that when she only imagined it, caused her to break down. She couldn't comprehend what it would actually feel like to loose Olivia, but Olivia now knew all to well what it was like to loose her.

"There we are." Olivia said as she put the shirt aside, her eyes locked on her partner's bandaged shoulder. She slowly ran her hand over the white gauze and the events of the night before flashed through her head.

"It's not your fault." Alex said, as if she could read Olivia's worried mind.

"I didn't protect you."

"Olivia that shot came from no where, you couldn't have and to tell you the truth I'm not sure I would have wanted you to. What if something would have happened to you."

"It's my job Alex. If I was shot, if I was killed, I was doing my job. It should have been me."

"Olivia." Alex said kissing her softly. Olivia needed to feel her but was terrified to hurt her.

"I love you so much." Olivia lay Alex down slowly on the bed and handed her, her pills and her water. She swallowed the pills motioned for Olivia to lie beside her. She could see how tired she was.

"Are you cold?" Olivia asked seeing the goose bumps covering Alex's naked skin.

"Just a little." Alex admitted.

"I'll get you a shirt." Olivia said staring to get up, Alex stopped her.

"No, I want to feel your skin on mine."

Olivia nodded and removed her shirt and pants and lay back down bringing the heavy down comforter up over them and wrapped herself around the blonde at her side. Alex drifted to sleep the pills taking their hold over her. Olivia listened to her breathing and prayed that when she woke up it wouldn't all be a dream, that she would still be there in her arms and this wasn't all just her imagination playing tricks on her.


End file.
